Five Myths About Grief – And How To Debunk Them

Guest post by Maureen Desmond, Grief Coaching & Consulting

We cannot simply sweep our grief, sadness, and pain under the rug. Grief is complex, and many of us have received poor advice after experiencing a loss.

Over time, the myths surrounding grief have been repeated so often that they have become normalized, causing us to lose our way and feel unseen and unheard.

Let’s reframe the five biggest myths around grief and use supportive language to replace them.

1. “STAY BUSY”

Common responses people say: “Stay active. Fill your time. Don’t sit around thinking about it. Find another hobby/sport/2^nd job to keep you busy/keep you from remembering.”

On the surface this may feel like good advice, but staying busy blocks your ability to feel, connect, and rest. Staying busy does NOT allow you to HEAL. You can be furiously busy for decades and the grief will still be exactly where you left it. Distraction delays grief; it doesn’t resolve it.

A better way to respond/debunk the myths: “Take time to be still, quiet. Some activity is good. Grief needs room to be felt. Be present and take all the time that you need.”

2. “BE STRONG FOR OTHERS”

Common responses people say: “Hold it together for the kids. Your family needs you to be the strong one. Don’t let them see you cry. Hold everyone up no matter what.”

Performing strength keeps you from doing your own grief work, i.e. “Put your mask on first.” It teaches the people around you – especially children – that their own grief should be hidden. And that is not healthy for anyone.

A better way to respond/debunk the myths: “Be honest instead of strong – “I’m sad, but I’m also here for you. We will get through this together.”

3. “DON’T FEEL BAD”

Common responses people say: “Don’t cry. Be strong. You must stay positive. “

Grief is the normal and natural response to loss of any kind. Asking someone not to feel bad is asking them NOT to be human. When grievers are told (or tell themselves) not to feel, the grief doesn’t go away – it goes underground, where it sits unprocessed for years or decades.

A better way to respond/debunk the myths: “Feel what you feel. Out loud, in writing, with someone you trust, or in a space with family, friends or in community.” The feelings are information, not failure.

4. “REPLACE THE LOSS”

Common responses people say: “Get a new dog/cat/bird (pet). Get back out there. Have another child. Find someone new, you’ve still got a lot of years ahead of you.”

You cannot replace a relationship. Each is its very own relationship. No one should say any of the things noted above. Yes, in time, people will move forward. They don’t fill the hole; they just exist alongside it. They don’t forget.

A better way to respond/debunk the myths: “Give yourself time to breathe and heal. Grieve in your own way and we’re here to grieve with you.” The new person, place, pet can come when it’s ready, without being asked to do the impossible.

5. “GRIEVE ALONE”

Common responses people say: “Don’t burden people. Keep it to yourself. Nobody wants to hear it – it’s too much, too sad, too devastating, too raw, too soon.”

The “suffer in silence” story is relatively new, and it’s harming us. Grief is an inherently social experience. Humans have grieved together, communally, for as long as we’ve been human. Grieving alone, in silence, is NOT ok.

A better way to respond/debunk the myths: “Grieve together. Find your people. A trusted friend, a specialist, community, a group. You don’t need many, but someone who is present, and can sit with you and listen like a heart with ears.”

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About Maureen Desmond, CPC