Managing Midlife

Midlife is a time often marked by sorrow, limitations, exhaustion, floundering, health concerns, and a deep, simmering dissatisfaction. There is no getting around the fact that our parents are aging, and sometimes deteriorating, at a noticeable rate. Often this is a time in life when our own health begins to slowly decline with the rise of diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, and obesity. The way we have been living in this modern age takes a toll. If we have children, they are probably going off to college leaving a huge gap in our homes and our daily lives. We may be realizing that the career dreams we fostered for so long will not come to pass. We may feel ambivalent or indifferent about those goals now. Or we may desire something totally different.

We all have our midlife challenges. The important thing to remember is that we have choices. We can change. We can create a meaningful life that helps us navigate these transitions without losing ourselves, our relationships, or our purpose.

The Midlife Pause

The first step is to pause and reflect honestly and non-judgmentally on our lives now. These reflections don’t necessarily have to lead to dramatic changes that are often associated with this time such as divorce, moves, and job changes, but it can. Most of the shifts happen internally and can be much more profound. Also, change takes time. Even with a sudden change such as a move, we are still the same person we were before. There is no escaping that we need to change our mindset, thoughts, and behaviors to create a life that reflects where we are now. A life that is lived intentionally, deeply, resiliently, and that provides joy and contentment. A life that is sustainable. I’ll provide tools and practices for that and more at the end of this post.

The Midlife Focus

To build that meaningful life we all crave, we have some work to do. Part of that work is coming home to ourselves. It’s time to be our authentic selves out in the world, living a life we love that is filled with meaning and purpose. We do that by being present, living in the moment, and doing things that bring us joy.

Live in the Present

One of the most challenging things about transitions is remaining anchored in the present. Too often we focus on past regrets, memories of better times, or on the future we want, and end up neglecting ourselves, the people we love, and the things that bring us joy.

Living in the present is a completely different way of approaching life. It means appreciating and savoring the things and people that bring you joy. And that can be anything: your morning cup of coffee on the terrace, petting the dog and taking them for walks, having a deeper conversation with your spouse or partner, spending time with loved ones, reading a book, talking to a friend.

Living mindfully means enjoying the moments that make up your day. It also means paying attention to things that make us uncomfortable, upset, or unhappy. In midlife, we no longer have the luxury of time. It’s time to commit to being honest with ourselves and others and modifying, eliminating or reframing what has been a thorn for a long time.

We live in the present. It’s the only time we have. The past is gone and the future may never come. This is where happiness begins and ends. Right now.

Finding Joy in Midlife

I sometimes use joy and purpose interchangeably. A purpose gives us direction or guidance for how we want to live our lives. The purpose of your life is to find joy and pursue that regardless of what else is happening. Joy (like love) provides a reason to keep going when life is tumultuous, painful, or otherwise very difficult. It was easier to pursue joy when we younger but the intervening years of work and responsibilities often strips away happiness and we don’t notice.

We often find ourselves in midlife and realize we no longer know what brings us joy. We were taught that certain things – a career, a family, money – would bring us happiness but it doesn’t work that way. We have to cultivate happiness. It doesn’t happen on its own. The delight we feel at accomplishing goals fades all too quickly. Finding joy is both the search for joy and the commitment to living a life that is meaningful and happy.

We’ve all heard the phrase “follow your bliss” but it’s not always clear how to do that. Sometimes we feel joyful, but often we feel a lot of other things. Since joy comes from the heart, we need to follow where our heart leads us to find our bliss.

To follow your heart, you need to be able to “hear” what it is trying to tell you. It is necessary to step away from the noise and chaos of the world to listen to what your heart wants and to notice feelings in your body. Sometimes the heart communicates with intuition (described as the knowledge seems to just appear in your mind) or instinct (a clenching in the gut, a warm feeling in the gut, chest that expands outward, tingling hands, a racing heart, or butterflies in the stomach). We have all felt these sensations but over time we ignore them more and more in our busy, overly demanding lives. Midlife is a time of relearning to listen to our body and our feelings. This will lead us to joy, meaning, and a fulfilling life.

This is what I mean when I say, “find your purpose”. Your purpose is to live an embodied life filled with joy and love and that is meaningful to you. Your purpose is to be present in the moment. To be present with those you love. To experience happiness and to feel fulfilled. This isn’t necessarily about a career though it can be. And this isn’t selfish. There is only one you. You only have this one body and this one life to live that we know of (whatever we believe). Embrace it. Commit your time and energy to it. Live it. Love it. When you are happy you are better able to appreciate the people and things in your life and give the best of you them.

Tools and practices

There are tools and practices that will help you focus on the messages from your heart, their meanings, and help you manage in midlife and beyond.

Mindfulness – Mindfulness is the practice of being present in each moment, observing but not judging what is happening. Being in the moment allows you to make thoughtful choices rather than reacting automatically to what happens.
Mindfulness Meditation – This is a type of meditation where you sit relaxed, focusing inward, and noticing what sensations come up and the noises around you without judging or trying to change anything. It doesn’t matter if you sit a lot or a little, the important thing is to be consistent with this practice. This practice will help alleviate stress, improve mood, and teach your brain how to stay focused despite distractions.
Journaling – Morning writing helps you focus on the day ahead and get any anxieties or worries out of your mind and onto the page. Evening writing allows you to get below the fluff and detritus of the day to what really matters. It is also a great way to track your progress through this messy middle.
Therapy – Talking to a therapist or working with a life coach will help you sort out everything that is happening, decide what you want the present and future to look like, and develop a plan to achieve your goals. They will support you, empower you, and help you deal with obstacles, transitions, and emotions.
Nature – Spend time outside every day. Sit or walk in a park during lunch. Eat dinner or read outside. Plan trips to gardens. This quiets the noise of everyday life and produces a feeling of calm. It is a great way to balance our stressful, busy, sometimes painful lives.
Slow Down – Make time to enjoy everyday things like a slow morning that allows you to gently wake up and enjoy your coffee, take time over meals, spend time with loved ones, stop and smell the flowers (or freshly mown grass, a new book, or your minty toothpaste). It means setting boundaries and saying no (or not now if that feels easier). It is difficult to do but it is so rewarding, restorative, and alleviates the pressures, challenges, and emotions of midlife.
Be Kind to Yourself – The changes, reflections, and experiences of midlife are quite intense, varied, and can be long lasting so it’s important to be kind to yourself. Being present will help you know when you need to rest, retreat, or get support. Amping up self-care and practicing self-compassion will also be helpful.

Midlife and Beyond

Once you’ve done the inner work, you can move on to the outer work. Following is an activity to help you identify what is already going well and the things you’d like to change. I’ll also provide some tips to guide you through this.

Make a list of everything you love about your life and another with all the things that you want to eliminate or change. The list of what you love is important as a source of strength and gratitude. If you haven’t already done so, make a commitment to yourself to spend a little time every day with the people and activities on the first list. This will give you direction and joy in a time of change.
Review the second list. Consider things like how much time you spend doing them and how unpleasant, irritating, or painful they are. This will help you prioritize each item and give you a starting point for the work of reframing, modifying or eliminating the problem.
Make a plan (use this goal setting worksheet) to begin working on the highest priority. For bigger, more complex goals you can use this mandala chart to break the goal down into more manageable steps and then use the goal setting worksheets for the small steps.

Tips

Always start small and add more small steps over time. It’s important to start small or you will find yourself getting distracted, unconsciously resisting, or self-sabotaging yourself.
Stay present with what you’re doing so you don’t fall back into old habits.
Be mindful of how you feel because change is an energy-intensive activity that can stir up emotions that can get in the way. Practicing self-compassion will help you through this part.
Tell someone what you’re going through and how you would like them to support you.
Remember that change takes time. Be patient and be kind to yourself.

Final Thoughts

Sometimes we pursue change and, other times, it is thrust upon us. Rather than reacting or resisting automatically, allowing yourself to sit with what is uncomfortable allows you to be vulnerable and honest with loved ones, get support, and discover what you want, what needs to happen, and why it is important.

People often try to avoid change. It is scary and can completely upend our lives. No one likes to be out of their comfort zone. But change can be good for getting us out of a rut. It can give us the motivation to make adjustments that ultimately improve our lives.

We can grow through change, rather than just endure it, if we are present and take time to consider where we want to go. In this way, change can become a catalyst rather than a catastrophe or calamity. This is how to look at midlife. It is an opportunity to change our lives for the better. Everything is already in flux, so why not be a part of the change rather than just trying to muddle through? As a dear friend likes to say, “When you’re riding the rapids you don’t just have to hold on for dear life and hope the boat doesn’t capsize. You can use your paddle to navigate around the giant boulders.” You’ll thank yourself later if you choose this way.